Old Folks' Jokes
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Among the many jokes I receive daily, I noticed this one about the Benefits of Being Old. Decided to start collecting any jokes about being old. Put them in large, bold print so you old folks can read them better. Funny pictures are at the bottom of the page. Email me your favorite jokes at rjHoffman@Yahoo.com For more Jokes, Click Here!
Benefits of Being Old
A new one for this year's college freshmen
This one will scare you a little! Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.
Each year, the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that year's incoming freshmen.
Here is this year's list:
The people who are starting college this fall (2000) across the nationwere born in 1982.
They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not even know that he had ever been shot.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
Black Monday, 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
There has only been one Pope.
They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.
They have never feared a nuclear war.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Tianamen Square means nothing to them.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums. The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them. They have never owned a record player.
They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.
They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 33 cents.
They have always had an answering machine.
Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black-and-white TV.
They have always had cable.
There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA is.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
They were born the year that the Walkman was introduced by Sony.
Roller-skating has always meant "inline" for them.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They have never seen Larry Bird play.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as W.W.I, W.W.II, and the Civil War.
They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the beef?" , "I'd walk a mile for a Camel",or "De plane, de plane!"
They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is.
The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew where it was.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America and Alabama are all places, not groups.
McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers.
There has always been MTV.
They don't have a clue as to how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to all the other old fogies.
If you can't read this, take off your glasses and squint... lol.
Truths
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge--mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is--not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is--having friends.
At age 16 success is--having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is--having sex.
At age 35 success is--having money.
At age 50 success is--having money.
At age 60 success is--having sex.
At age 70 success is--having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is--having friends.
At age 80 success is--not peeing in your pants.
In Retirement, Happiness is ... a Rocking Chair with a View
- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
- It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
- Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
- You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
- You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
- Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
- No one expects you to run into a burning building.
- People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
- Things you buy now won't wear out.
- You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
- You can eat dinner at 4:00.
- You can live without sex but not without glasses.
- You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
- You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
- You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
- You got cable for the weather channel.
- You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- You send money to PBS.
- You sing along with the elevator music.
- Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
- Your back goes out more than you do.
- Your ears are hairier than your head.
- Your eyes won't get much worse.
- And finally....... people think of you when reading this, enough to forward a list such as this to you.
New Year's Humor
Here's a little New Year's humor for all born
before 1945: (Taken from Fortune 55/VIC Club Chronicle)
1) We were before TV, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, xerox, contact lenses, radar, and credit cards. We were before pantyhose, dishwashers, clothes dryers, electric blankets, air conditioners, drip-dry clothes, and velcro.
2) We were before day care centers, group therapy, and nursing homes. We never heard of FM radio, tape decks, electric typewriters, not to mention computers, and guys wearing earrings.
3) In 1940 "made in Japan" meant junk and the term "making out" referred to how we did on an exam. Pizzas, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
4) We hit the scene when there were five and ten cent stores. The corner drug store sold ice cream cones for a nickel and a double dip was a dime. For one nickel you could ride a streetcar or bus, make a phone call, buy a soft drink, or enough stamps to mail a letter and two postcards.
5) In our day, cigarettes were fashionable, grass was mowed, pot was something you cooked in, rock music was grandma's lullaby, and aids were helpers in the principal's office. No wonder we get confused and there is such a generation gap!
P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said that at my age, I should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him I do it all the time. No matter where I am--in the kitchen, upstairs, or down in the basement--I ask myself, "Now what am I here after?"
Looking Good ...
My face in the mirror
Isn't wrinkled or drawn.
My house isn't dirty.
The cobwebs are gone.
My garden looks lovely
And so does my lawn.
I think I might never
Put my glasses back on.
Boomers' Songs
For all of you baby-boomers who are feeling a little older, some of your favorites have been re-released with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience.
Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker" The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend A Broken Hip"
The Temptations - "Papa's Got a Kidney Stone" Nancy Sinatra - "These Boots Aren't Made for Bunions"
The Beatles - "I Get By With A Little Help From Depends" Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through The Grape Nuts"
The Rolling Stones "You Can't Always Pee When You Want" Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver"
Roberta Flack - "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face" ABBA - "Denture Queen"
Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping" Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom"
Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash" Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"
Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
Books for Big Kids
So, you think you want to retire ...
For those of you contemplating retirement, I would like to share my retirement experiences with you, which I hope will be helpful.
Fifteen years ago my wife and I moved into a retirement development on Florida's Southeast coast. We are living in the Delray/Boca/Boynton Golf, Spa, Bath and Tennis Club on Lake Fake-a-hachee. There are 3000 lakes in Florida; only three are real.
Our biggest retirement concern was time management. What were we going to do all day? Let me assure you, passing the time is not a problem. Your days will be eaten up by simple, daily activities. Just getting out of your car takes 15 minutes. Trying to find where you parked takes 20 minutes. It takes 1/2 hour in the check-out line at Wal-Mart and one hour to return the item the next day.
Let me take you through a typical day. We get up at 5:00 AM, have a quick breakfast and join the early morning Walk and Talk Club. There are about 30 of us, and rain or shine we walk around the streets, all talking at once. Every development has some late risers who stay in bed until 6 AM. After a nimble walk avoiding irate drivers out to make us road kill, we go back home, shower and change for the next activity.
My wife goes directly to the pool for her underwater Pilates class, followed by gasping for breath and CPR. I put on my 'Ask me about my Grandchildren' T-shirt, my plaid mid-calf shorts, my black socks and sandals and go to the clubhouse lobby for a nice nap.
Before you know it, it's time for lunch. We go to Costco to partake of the many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hairnets. All free! After a filling lunch, if we don't have any doctor appointments, we might go to the flea market to see if any new white belts have come in or to buy a Rolex watch for $2.00.
We're usually back home by 2 PM to get ready for dinner. People start lining up for the early bird about 3 PM, but we get there by 3:45 because we're late eaters. The dinners are very popular because of the large portions they serve. You can take home enough food for the next day's lunch and dinner, including extra bread, crackers, packets of mustard, relish, ketchup and Sweet-and-Low along with mints.
At 5:30 we're home ready to watch the 6 o'clock news. By 6:30 we're fast asleep. Then we get up and make 5 or 6 trips to the bathroom during the night, and it's time to get up and start a new day all over again.
Doctor related activities eat up most of your retirement time. I enjoy reading old magazines in sub-zero temperatures in the waiting room, so I don't mind. Calling for test results also helps the days fly by. It takes at least half an hour just getting through the doctor's phone menu. Then there's the hold time until you're connected to the right party. Sometimes they forget you're holding, and the whole office goes off to lunch.
Should you find you still have time on your hands, volunteering provides a rewarding opportunity to help the less fortunate. Florida has the largest concentration of seniors under five feet tall, and they need our help. I myself am a volunteer for 'The Vertically Challenged Over 80.' I coach their basketball team, The Arthritic Avengers. The hoop is only 4 1/2 feet from the floor. You should see the look of confidence on their faces when they make a slam dunk.
Food shopping is a problem for short seniors, or 'bottom feeders' as we call them, because they can't reach the items on the upper shelves. There are many foods they've never tasted. After shopping, most seniors can't remember where they parked their cars and wander the parking lot for hours while their food defrosts.
Lastly, it's important to choose a development with an impressive name. Italian names are very popular in Florida. They convey world traveler, uppity sophistication and wealth. Where would you rather live, Murray's Condos or the Lakes Of Venice? It makes no difference they are both owned by "Murray"!
IF YOU GREW UP IN FLORIDA....
- Socks are only for bowling.
- You never use an umbrella because you know the rain will be over in five minutes.
- A good parking place has nothing to do with distance from the store, but everything to do with shade.
- Your winter coat is made of denim.
- You can tell the difference between fire ant bites and mosquito bites.
- You are younger than thirty but some of your friends are over 65.
- Anything under 70 is chilly.
- You pass on the right and honk at the elderly, but pull over for a funeral.
- You have driven through Yeehaw Junction.
- You could swim before you could read.
- You have to drive North to get to the South.
- You know that no other grocery store can compare to Publix.
- You got out of school early on Halloween to trick-or-treat before it got dark.
- You know that anything under a Category 3 just isn't worth waking up for.
- You dread love bug season.
- You are on a first name basis with the Hurricane list. They aren't Hurricane Charlie, Hurricane Frances....but Charlie, Frances, Ivan and Jeanne.
- You know what a snowbird is and when they will leave.
- You think a six foot alligator is actually pretty average.
- You were twelve before you ever saw snow, or you still haven't.
- 'Down South' means Key West.
- You think New York State drivers licenses should only be valid in New York.
- Flip-flops are everyday wear.
- Shoes are for business meetings and church.
- Sweet Tea can be served at any meal.
- An alligator once walked through your neighborhood.
- You smirk when a game show's Grand Prize is a trip or cruise to Florida.
- You measure distance in minutes.
- You have a drawer full of bathing suits and one sweatshirt.
- A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.
- You think everyone from a bigger city has a northern accent.
- You know the four seasons really are.....Hurricane Season, Love Bug Season, Tourist Season and Summer.
- It's not soda, cola or pop. It's Coke regardless of brand or flavor, 'What kinda coke you want?'
- Anything under 95 is just warm.
- You have hosted a hurricane party.
- You go to a theme park for an afternoon, and know when to get on the best rides (Space Mountain during the Electric Light Parade)!
- You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat, than to have a boat yourself.
- You were 5 before you realized they made houses without pools.
- You were 25 when you first met someone who couldn't swim.
- You've worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas.
- You recognize Miami/Dade as 'Northern Cuba.'
- You understand the futility of exterminating cockroaches.
- You can pronounce Okeechobee and Kissimmee.
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