Old Folks' Jokes
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Among the many jokes I receive daily, I noticed this one about the Benefits of Being Old. Decided to start collecting any jokes about being old. Put them in large, bold print so you old folks can read them better. Funny pictures are at the bottom of the page. Email me your favorite jokes at rjHoffman@Yahoo.com
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Boomers' Songs
For all of you baby-boomers who are feeling a little older, some of your favorites have been re-released with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience.
Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker" The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend A Broken Hip"
The Temptations - "Papa's Got a Kidney Stone" Nancy Sinatra - "These Boots Aren't Made for Bunions"
The Beatles - "I Get By With A Little Help From Depends" Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through The Grape Nuts"
The Rolling Stones "You Can't Always Pee When You Want" Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver"
Roberta Flack - "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face" ABBA - "Denture Queen"
Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping" Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom"
Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash" Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"
Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
Benefits of Being Old
Looking Good ...
My face in the mirror
Isn't wrinkled or drawn.
My house isn't dirty.
The cobwebs are gone.
My garden looks lovely
And so does my lawn.
I think I might never
Put my glasses back on.
- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
- It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
- Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
- You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
- You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
- Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
- No one expects you to run into a burning building.
- People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
- Things you buy now won't wear out.
- You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
- You can eat dinner at 4:00.
- You can live without sex but not without glasses.
- You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
- You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
- You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
- You got cable for the weather channel.
- You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- You send money to PBS.
- You sing along with the elevator music.
- Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
- Your back goes out more than you do.
- Your ears are hairier than your head.
- Your eyes won't get much worse.
- And finally....... people think of you when reading this, enough to forward a list such as this to you.
In Retirement, Happiness is ... a Rocking Chair with a View
A new one for this year's college freshmen
This one will scare you a little! Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.
Each year, the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that year's incoming freshmen.
Here is this year's list:
The people who are starting college this fall (2000) across the nationwere born in 1982.
They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not even know that he had ever been shot.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
Black Monday, 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
There has only been one Pope.
They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.
They have never feared a nuclear war.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Tianamen Square means nothing to them.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums. The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them. They have never owned a record player.
They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.
They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 33 cents.
They have always had an answering machine.
Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black-and-white TV.
They have always had cable.
There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA is.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
They were born the year that the Walkman was introduced by Sony.
Roller-skating has always meant "inline" for them.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They have never seen Larry Bird play.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as W.W.I, W.W.II, and the Civil War.
They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the beef?" , "I'd walk a mile for a Camel",or "De plane, de plane!"
They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is.
The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew where it was.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America and Alabama are all places, not groups.
McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers.
There has always been MTV.
They don't have a clue as to how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to all the other old fogies.
If you can't read this, take off your glasses and squint... lol.
Truths
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge--mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is--not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is--having friends.
At age 16 success is--having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is--having sex.
At age 35 success is--having money.
At age 50 success is--having money.
At age 60 success is--having sex.
At age 70 success is--having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is--having friends.
At age 80 success is--not peeing in your pants.
New Year's Humor
Here's a little New Year's humor for all born
before 1945: (Taken from Fortune 55/VIC Club Chronicle)
1) We were before TV, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, xerox, contact lenses, radar, and credit cards. We were before pantyhose, dishwashers, clothes dryers, electric blankets, air conditioners, drip-dry clothes, and velcro.
2) We were before day care centers, group therapy, and nursing homes. We never heard of FM radio, tape decks, electric typewriters, not to mention computers, and guys wearing earrings.
3) In 1940 "made in Japan" meant junk and the term "making out" referred to how we did on an exam. Pizzas, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
4) We hit the scene when there were five and ten cent stores. The corner drug store sold ice cream cones for a nickel and a double dip was a dime. For one nickel you could ride a streetcar or bus, make a phone call, buy a soft drink, or enough stamps to mail a letter and two postcards.
5) In our day, cigarettes were fashionable, grass was mowed, pot was something you cooked in, rock music was grandma's lullaby, and aids were helpers in the principal's office. No wonder we get confused and there is such a generation gap!
P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said that at my age, I should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him I do it all the time. No matter where I am--in the kitchen, upstairs, or down in the basement--I ask myself, "Now what am I here after?"
